Tough Love
by Stephensmat
Summary: After four years, it had reached the point where she couldn't be a cop and have Castle in her life at the same time. Now she couldn't be a cop at all. But that didn't mean she was using him. Spoilers through the Season 4 Finale.


_AN: I wrote a morning-after fic for Caskett, but it occurred to me there might be another angle to take;and it's got some good drama. #Insert shameless self-plugging here# I've been working on some other projects lately. Have a look on my author's page for a link to find out what._

* * *

**Tough Love**

Kate had talked to Esposito. He would follow her into the gates of hell, even now. She was glad for it; but refused to let him resign. He felt like he'd betrayed her, not going with her when she left; but she had insisted he stay a cop.

She talked to Ryan. The man wouldn't even see her; until she went to Jenny. His wife twisted his ear and made him talk to her; and even then it had taken ten minutes to get him to look her in the eye. She forgave him instantly, and thanked him for pulling her back, literally, from the edge.

She made her first attempt at a heart-to-heart with Alexis; the most awkward conversation of her life; and the sweetheart was relieved that her father wouldn't be on his own with his only child away at college. Almost as relieved as she was that he wouldn't be hanging around the Precinct any more.

She talked to her father, who had such a similar reaction to her resignation that she wondered for a moment if he and Alexis had been talking behind their backs.

She talked to Martha, in the _second_ most awkward conversation of her life. The older woman snorted that it was about time and said she expected more grandchildren; giving Kate a timetable on the subject.

She talked to Castle... eventually; and he assured her that his mother was just amusing herself... but he'd seemed slightly unnerved too.

* * *

Javier told her once that there was no such thing as an ex-marine. She wondered if that was true of cops as well. She still felt guilty when she slept late, even if she didn't want to get up for a while. Even when she slipped out early to get coffee before going over to Castle's, she was always watching sight lines, checking exits. She had the eyes of a police officer, always on duty.

But she enjoyed it too. For the first time, she enjoyed the coffee chop experience, ordering her triple espresso and a bear claw, but not ordering it to go. She could actually afford to sit and enjoy it, instead of eating on her way to work. She checked her watch and decided that Castle would probably still be asleep; which could be fun, but she found she rather enjoyed sitting and reading the paper, even if she was combing obsessively over the city beat section; checking on local homicides.

Ryan's name jumped out here and there in connection to the daily investigations... He was probably feeling the pressure with her gone and Esposito suspended.

The later sections had a mention of Castle's next book; Frozen Heat, due in stores soon...

Seeing his biographic picture in the paper brought him, and their last few days to mind, and a silly smile spread across her face as she reconsidered waking him up early this morning...

"Pay a penny for _that_ thought." A familiar voice sassed in her ear, and Beckett almost spat out the coffee in her mouth. She looked up with an awkward guilt in her voice. "Lanie?"

"Oh good, you remember my name." The Medical Examiner smiled, and the veneer of cheerfulness dropped form her expression instantly. "Why the hell didn't you talk to _me_?" Lanie thundered, loud enough that others in the coffee shop turned to look.

Kate looked down, properly shamed. "I know, I really should have."

"I have to hear about all this from Jenny Ryan? She tells me her husband came home looking like someone shot their dog; and she can't reach you, or Javi, or Castle... And _she_ found out before I did. Explain this now."

Beckett swallowed. "I thought you might talk me out of it."

"Out of resigning, or out of going straight to Castle's afterward?"

Kate looked down, a flush spreading over her cheeks.

Lanie's jaw dropped. "She blushes? You don't blush. You barely blushed when Alexis caught you having one of your 'moments' in my Morgue."

"It was quite a weekend." Beckett admitted.

Lanie sat down instantly. "Dish. Now. Tell me everything, leave out no detail. _Disgust_ me; I insist. Start with why I didn't know about any of this!"

With a sigh, Kate confessed all of it. She told her best friend all about the case, all about her... reckless actions; Castle's betrayal, and her reaction to his impassioned speech. She was surprised to find that she could recite what Castle had said, word for word; when she had little conscious memory of it. She honestly didn't remember hearing a word he said after admitting to being involved. For the first time since that night, she felt a twinge of guilt about it.

"After four years, he finally get up the nerve to pour out his soul to you; and you kick him away again?" Lanie repeated. "And then you show up and he just accepts it like nothing had happened?"

"Yes." Beckett admitted softly. "The rest of it you probably got from Javi and Kevin. He had me cold."

"A real cliff-hanger, from what I hear." Lanie demurred, and Beckett smirked tightly at the regrettable pun.

"I did what you told me to Lanie, I came clean. I told him that I knew I was going to die, and the perp got away... And I didn't care because all I could think about was him." Beckett wiped her eyes.

"Aww, sweetie." Lanie said kindly, before her eyes went sub-zero. "I can remember a time when I would have believed that."

"You were the one telling me to just confess how I felt about him." Beckett insisted. "I wasn't hedging, I was healing."

"You were healing for a year. You were _hedging_ for three." Lanie shot back.

"I've been healing since my mom died!" Beckett protested.

"But you're not even _close_ to healing _yet_, or at least you weren't three days ago; so what changed?"

"I nearly fell off a building!"

"As opposed to a bullet in the heart?" Lanie fired back, and they both ran out of reasons. "So. Have you been avoiding me because you thought I'd judge, or because you know I have a finely honed Beckett-BS-Detector?"

"What do you mean?" Kate asked innocently.

"Hey, do not play games with me Katherine Beckett; I was the one holding your chest shut until the surgical team got there. You tried to take your shooter alone... and you blew it. You need a team behind you on this one, and you knew Gates wasn't going to give you one. She'd never let you go anywhere near it ever again... And the moment you realized that; you tossed your badge away; and your next stop was Castle. Ryan and Espo are still cops; even if they ain't popular. Castle's a civilian, and now, so are you. Tell me you weren't looking for a team so you could keep hunting."

"That's not why I'm with him." Beckett protested.

"Maybe not, but the one way you'd have to be certain he'd forgive you _and _join you on your damn crusade after everything he said, is by sleeping with him."

For a moment, a brief moment, Kate was going to slap her. "That's not why!" She insisted. "I _wanted_ this. _You_ wanted this. You've been all over me about being honest with him."

"Were you?"

Kate set her jaw. "Believe me, he got the message!"

"So how did he react when you told him you loved him too?" Lanie said conversationally.

Kate felt her mouth shut with an audible snap.

Lanie nodded like she expected that. "Didn't tell him, did you?"

"I... We weren't doing a whole lot of talking." Beckett protested. _That was thin, and you know it._ "Hell. Lanie, I don't know that we're... there yet." _Even thinner._

Lanie nodded, expecting that. "I heard this story once, about when you first became a cop. Roy Montgomery came down to the Archives room and found you all over your mom's case file. And that was your first day; you were what? Traffic? Writing parking tickets, and at the end of the day, you go to the Archives instead of going home. You became a cop, went through the academy, got the uniform... The second being a cop stopped helping your crusade... you didn't even blink before you quit."

Beckett wasn't looking at her. "They killed my mom." She said softly, the familiar mantra.

Lanie was unmoved. "Kate, tell me who '_they_' are, and I'll shut up."

Beckett said nothing.

Lanie nodded, with a tear building in her eye. "I love you Katie, but you keep going; and they'll kill you; leaving me to do your autopsy... or you'll kill them; and Ryan will throw your ass in jail. You're not a cop any more: You take them on guns blazing, and you'll be breaking the law."

"I know." Beckett said softly.

Long beat.

Lanie studied her. "And you don't care one bit, do you? I wanted you to be honest with him. Tell him you love him, or that you're using him to keep up the hunt; because I don't know if you can be both any more."

Kate slugged back the last of her coffee. "Watch me."

Lanie sighed, and pulled a folder out of her bag. "Here's the forensics report on Maddox's apartment. Javi made me promise to give it to you. Promise you'll still talk to me in the future?"

Kate took it, not looking. "Promise. You still love me?"

"Always." Lanie headed out without another word.

* * *

Castle smiled as he opened the door for her. "Hey."

Beckett came in, the file under her arm. "Hey."

"What's that?"

"The forensic report from the other day." Kate said carefully, watching his reaction.

Castle looked worried as he shut the door behind them. "You're not supposed to have that any more, are you?" He studied her face when she didn't answer right away. "How _is_ Lanie?"

"Mad at me, but full of questions." Kate shrugged and sauntered toward his office. "Loyalty is stronger than paperwork. Want to see?"

Not only did he not want to see it, he didn't like her having it herself. "Kate, if you..."

She kissed him passionately as soon as they reached his office door. He very much responded. After a very long few seconds they broke for air.

"I _love_ that we can do that now." Castle grinned at her.

"Me too." She held up the folder. "Y'know what? This'll keep."

"I agree." Castle said primly, and Kate put the folder on his desk behind her. He'd already forgotten about it, but they'd get back to it soon enough.

"I love you." Castle said into her hair.

Kate smiled warmly, and kissed him again. "Let's try a few _other_ things we can do now, see if you love them just as much."

Castle caught the hint, and led her back toward the bedroom.

* * *

Royce had told her that a good cop ignored what a suspect said, and focused on what they did. A suspect would say anything to get out of The Box, but actions were far more honest.

_Detective, investigate thyself. _She told herself as she stroked the back of his neck with her fingers.

Lanie was right. She needed a team to continue the hunt. She was also right when she said that Gates would never give her one.

Beckett _had_ to be a cop, because ever since her mom had died, she needed to solve it, protect the innocent and punish the guilty; and that was what cops did.

She also wanted Castle; had wanted him for a long time, cared about him, more than she had ever admitted to, even now...

But after four years it had reached the point where she couldn't be a cop _and_ have Castle. Now she couldn't be a cop at all.

That _didn't_ mean she was using him. And it didn't mean she had gone straight to his home and into his bed to keep him loyal to her for the sake of her mission...

She looked down at him, lazing happily against her neck, and writhed into his side gently, being very comfortable.

Lanie was wrong, that wasn't the reason why. She was certain of it... so why hadn't she told him she loved him?

_Look at what they do, not what they say. _Royce had told her that over and over.

_Royce is dead. _She told herself. _It's on you now. Why are you here?_

_Because I want to be. It's where he's always wanted me to be; and beyond that, does it matter?_

She slipped out from under him, and pulled on the first clothes her fingers touched. Her pants, his shirt. A combination that brought a watery smile to her lips; as she lowered her lips to the collar she was wearing, breathing in his scent and nuzzling the fabric happily. _Jeeze, Beckett, when did you become such a __girl__?_

She padded quietly to Castle desk, and ran her fingertips along it. She had been a die-hard fan of his long before she'd met him... this was his desk. He'd carried her through the worst days of her life, being better for her than her therapists ever could. She'd begged them to explain why her mom was dead; and none of them had a decent answer.

Richard Castle's books did. Every killer was a regular citizen, not a monster... It gave her an answer as to why people did such evil things... He'd been taking care of her, even then.

_If you love him so much, why don't you just say so? _Beckett challenged herself... when her eyes fixed on the folder she'd put there. She sat in his chair and opened it instantly, her eyes going over every detail...

"Hey." Castle said quietly, and she looked up guiltily, as though she'd been caught doing something wrong. The light in the room was different; and she glanced at the clock, realizing she'd been in here poring over the file for over two hours.

"Hey." She smiled at him. "What are you doing up?"

"It's the middle of the day." She told him playfully, twisting so that his shirt opened a little more. Teasing him was so much more fun now that it could lead somewhere.

Castle came over and stood behind her. "Hmm. So, what's so fascinating about the file?" He murmured. "You're not a cop any more so..."

"It's about Maddox." Beckett offered, flipping through the pages.

She could feel him tense through his hands on her neck. She tilted her head back and moaned a little. "Mm. That feels nice." His hands relaxed at her reaction, massaging her again, and Beckett gave herself a quick mental slap. It was the second time today she had changed the subject by being... seductive.

_It doesn't mean you're using him._ She told herself.

"So, if we're going to be here for a while..." Castle breathed in her ear. "You might as well tell me all about it."

"Mm. Don't mind if I do." She shifted, guiding his hands a little higher.

_It doesn't mean you're using him._ She told herself again, and began briefing him about the case.

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_AN: Read and Review. Sorry if I crushed any shippers out there._


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